Depression is hard. My depression is hard.
The majority of the time it’s like it’s not there. I don’t notice it, it doesn’t noticeably impact my life, I can come off meds, I have no therapy, I don’t self-harm, and it’s okay. It doesn’t exist.
And then it hits me, like a train. It almost comes out of nowhere. I don’t see it coming so I can’t counter it. Once it hits me, I’m back on that slippery slope. Once I’m on it, I don’t know how to stop. I can’t stop.
The first time it happened, I turned to self-harm to slow myself down from falling. I held it off until I had a change of scenery that flipped the switch and the depression stopped, just like that. The second time, the self-harm came back, but I became suicidal, I didn’t ask for help, and I slipped to rock bottom and took an overdose. This third time, my self-harm came back again. I knew I didn’t want to hit rock bottom again this time, so I asked for help.
My depression is full of hopelessness, self-loathing, and not feeling good enough. Getting out of it is hard, and sometimes I don’t even know what it is that stops it. The thoughts just stop. One day, I don’t have to distract myself from them or drown them out with whatever I can. As quickly as it came, it goes. So all I have to do is get through each time, and it will go eventually. It’s almost like I don’t have any control over it.
I just need to wait this period out too. I can do that, I think.