Depression is hard.  My depression is hard.

The majority of the time it’s like it’s not there.  I don’t notice it, it doesn’t noticeably impact my life, I can come off meds, I have no therapy, I don’t self-harm, and it’s okay.  It doesn’t exist.

And then it hits me, like a train.  It almost comes out of nowhere.  I don’t see it coming so I can’t counter it.  Once it hits me, I’m back on that slippery slope.  Once I’m on it, I don’t know how to stop.  I can’t stop.

The first time it happened, I turned to self-harm to slow myself down from falling.  I held it off until I had a change of scenery that flipped the switch and the depression stopped, just like that.  The second time, the self-harm came back, but I became suicidal, I didn’t ask for help, and I slipped to rock bottom and took an overdose.  This third time, my self-harm came back again.  I knew I didn’t want to hit rock bottom again this time, so I asked for help.

My depression is full of hopelessness, self-loathing, and not feeling good enough.  Getting out of it is hard, and sometimes I don’t even know what it is that stops it.  The thoughts just stop.  One day, I don’t have to distract myself from them or drown them out with whatever I can.  As quickly as it came, it goes.  So all I have to do is get through each time, and it will go eventually.  It’s almost like I don’t have any control over it.

I just need to wait this period out too.  I can do that, I think.

B x


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