I’ve had this down as the title of a post for a while.  Things seem to be going right at the minute so what better time to post about it.

Hope 1:  To be loved

For the first time ever, I can say I’m in a relationship.  Which is sad that it is my first relationship at the age of 24.  And it’s only been a thing for 4 weeks.  But this is making me happy.  It hasn’t changed how I feel about myself – I still hate myself – but he is making me happy.  With him, I forget sometimes how much I hate myself.  He seems willing to be with me through the good and the bad, but he hasn’t seen me at my worst yet, and that scares me.  That that could be too much for him.  That he will abandon me and I’ll be on my own again.  I’m trying to stay in the moment as much as I can, not question the happy, or worry about the what-ifs, but it can be hard.  I’ve always wanted someone to choose to love me, rather than feel like they have to.  And this is the first time I could have that.  So now losing it could make me feel worse.

Hope 2: To make a difference

All I have ever wanted in my life is to make a difference.  I’ve been to the lowest you can go, and I want to do anything I can to support others to not ever feel that way.  I’ve taken this view with my family, with my friends, and in the career that I have.  When my depression hits me badly, I can lose this.  I don’t see the point, I don’t feel like I can make a difference.  Then when I come out of my depression, it’s like I’m hit with a new sense of motivation, new hope.  I remember all that I want to do, I get the spark back, and for a time it feels wonderful.  To have that hope.  To feel like I can actually make a difference.  And seeing that play out is the best feeling I’ve ever had

What I hope for isn’t a lot – to be loved and to make a difference – but they are huge in themselves, and sometimes I think I’m hoping for a lot.  But if I could get them both, and not screw them up, I would feel totally complete and like I don’t need to want for anything.  That I would have exactly the life I have dreamed of.  A life that could make me happy.

Then again, I could just be being silly.

B x

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